Parano

Do you realize that I await a reply to my e-mail? And that it would be cool if you had told me that you couldn't reply for whatever reason. But that I'm in a quagmire because last time you saw me you didn't even say hello.

And I wonder what I did that is so bad. What mortal sin I've got myself into. And I'm worried that it's something wacky, something you don't want to discuss openly, some vague gossip rumour, and that therefore you'll pretend everything is fine, but just keep being as cold and unsupportive as stone.

I'm worried that I'm very bad at apologizing. Especially when the interlocutor seems to be removing all their support at that very moment, holds me in no esteem at all and seems to think that I'm the meanest of the mean two-faced monsters whom they have ever met.

Everything else I've ever been and done in the past is of no value at all. Everything else I've ever been and done is brought into the equation and it gets cancelled by that one abominable treason. In fact, everything positive that was there before makes things worse. Mortal sin indeed: everything I loved about us convicts me more.

And I'm not even certain that it was so unforgivable in the first place. Instead of making amends, I question your own loyalty: If you can cancel all we've been to each other because of that stupid mistake, then you never really were committed anyway, and we've been lying to each other all this time.

I don't apologize. I'm defiant and hurt. I accuse you right back: why did I ever think that someone who could wipe me out of their life in one hour was a friend whom I could love and spend time with. And if that makes me a proud bitch, fine. Because what you're doing is a lot worse than whatever I did.

I'm sorry. But I wish you pointed towards a way out of this. I wish you assumed only the best about me. I wish you liked me enough to esteem me more than this. I wish you appealed to the best part of me. I wish you kept conquering that best part and winning it ever more fully to you. Love me when I don't deserve it. That's when I need it.


And because "it takes two to tango":

Sorry
Is all that you can't say
Years gone by and still
Words dont come easily
Like sorry like sorry

Forgive me
Is all that you can't say
Years gone by and still
Words dont come easily
Like forgive me forgive me

But you can say baby
Baby can I hold you tonight
Maybe if I told you the right words
At the right time youd be mine

I love you
Is all that you can't say
Years gone by and still
Words dont come easily
Like I love you I love you