For the record

You have never pushed me to greater things, you have never mentioned my name to anyone you know or spoken about my research, you have never asked if I wanted to come to dinner with a visiting speaker, you have never taken me along to a conference, you have not even replied to e-mails in which I suggested things you might be interested in, you have never introduced me to anyone, you have looked worried when I was engaged in conversation with some scholars, you have spent days without acknowledging my presences at the London conference or without smiling back at me when I looked at you, you have never even given me the impression that I could amount to something in academia, you have never put me forward for anything like the stuff Marie is doing, like helping to edit a book, or write a report for government. You have never invited me round to yours like you have with other postgrads. You have felt comfortable talking total bullsh*t in front of me, thinking that I wouldn’t notice that you did not know what you were talking about, because I was so ignorant, and assuming I hadn’t read the books (which unlike you, I had).

In short, you don’t value me and you don’t respect me. I can’t help but think about Bourdieu, who thought that school did not iron out initial differences, it served a device for legitimating them. All this sh*t is insidiously undermining my confidence. Because I’m not the teacher’s pet I think there is something wrong with me or my ability. You never took me under your wing like you did with quite a few other students whom you idealize because they write about stuff that you don’t understand. I guess that my only option is to make clear that I don’t respect you either.